This is me relaxing and having fun in Las Vegas. I am standing on a patio overlooking a magical pond populated by tiny, sculpted, human figures who are being drawn to a golden slab over which water cascades. There, with my sister, Mary and Devin, I had a gin and tonic (two actually) and laughed and simply was. Yes, I know that is difficult to believe, me just being, but it's true.
It seems I have to remove myself from my natural habitat, far from my computer and Treo, in order to just be. In order to stop working or thinking about work.
Of that long list of reasons I work so much (2 blog entries back), probably the most potent and motivating is my ever-present fear of failing. I don't want to fail at anything, in any moment, and that drives me to do all kinds of things I regret. I re-do others' work; I blurt the one moment in an event that wasn't perfect; and one of the worst things, I ever-so-subtly shift blame. This has to stop.
The mesmerizing golden slab to which I'm drawn but fear, is being happy with who I am and what I've done.
You look so happy/relaxed here! I wanted to comment two blog entries ago, but the site wouldn't let me for some reason. Your entry about why you work so hard made me very, very sad.
ReplyDeleteHopefully one day you will find another thing more fun than your job to devote yourself to. Until then, I'm glad so much of it makes you happy.
You know, I don't feel sad about the work. I am recognizing it and do want to change it. The thing I feel sad about it the Fear of Failing. MUST change that.
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