I'm glad I was able to hack back into this blog. I am going to stick with it. I like the archived posts; it makes me feel as though I've accomplished something.
It's New Year's Day, the sun shone for the first time in at least a week. The day was bright and fresh, perfect really. I tramped through the brilliant snow, under a happy blue sky and I still felt like crying. Actually I did cry. I am crying. I am afraid.
I'm afraid to set off into this new year. I wonder if anyone else feels that way? 2006 was a brutal year for me. I am sorely tempted to recount the bumps, bruises and bitch slaps I endured. I won't. What good will it do? I'm still carrying around the stinging memories of those moments and the phantom pain steals my attention and erodes my confidence.
I do have a handful of wonderful friends. People I know love me. I have grown children who are strong, bright and loving. But I still feel alone. What scares me most is my ability to make all kinds of terrible mistakes that leave me feeling all the more alone and afraid.
So what kind of New Year is this? A scary one. I'm on a precipice. I need to find my way down and right now, today, I can't find it.
Tomorrow I'll look around for a safe way down.
It's New Year's Day, the sun shone for the first time in at least a week. The day was bright and fresh, perfect really. I tramped through the brilliant snow, under a happy blue sky and I still felt like crying. Actually I did cry. I am crying. I am afraid.
I'm afraid to set off into this new year. I wonder if anyone else feels that way? 2006 was a brutal year for me. I am sorely tempted to recount the bumps, bruises and bitch slaps I endured. I won't. What good will it do? I'm still carrying around the stinging memories of those moments and the phantom pain steals my attention and erodes my confidence.
I do have a handful of wonderful friends. People I know love me. I have grown children who are strong, bright and loving. But I still feel alone. What scares me most is my ability to make all kinds of terrible mistakes that leave me feeling all the more alone and afraid.
So what kind of New Year is this? A scary one. I'm on a precipice. I need to find my way down and right now, today, I can't find it.
Tomorrow I'll look around for a safe way down.
Martha, I'm sad and scared for you. I wish there was a way I could be more 'there' for you. I'll start by not always assuming you just want to talk to Carrie when you call (although that's true most of the time I bet ;–)).So you might get to hear my voice more this year!
ReplyDeleteI think we all tend to look inward at times of Passage, like holidays, weddings and funerals. I suppose that's good in a way because it keeps us from becoming complacent, but I wonder if that also might set us up to compare ourselves to an impractical standard. I don't know, I just shuffle along.
You're right in acknowledging the friends who love you. We do. Go easy on yourself, Blueberry Muffin.
I just heard someone say that "Life is just a series of mistakes". I had never heard that before and have been thinking about it alot. I kind of like the idea that mistakes are inevitable and allow ourselves some "fudge" factor.
ReplyDelete